Posts Tagged ‘Rapture’

He Has Returned! Hallelujah!

No, not Jesus. He had his chance yesterday and he blew it.  I’m talking about the ground hog that lives in our back yard, and plays with the neighborhood stray cats. We were worried that with all the flooding this Spring, either he drowned in his winter hidey hole, or that he moved to higher ground. He’s back though, and Winter and Spring looks like it was kind to him. We spotted him today nibbling on the lower branches of our trees, and he’s fat and happy. Or so it would seem; I’m not getting that close to him to find out 🙂

I Think Somebody Got Their Days Confused!

It’s supposed to be Rapture Day, and so far not a damned thing has happened. I’m thinking somebody got it confused with Raptor Day.

And I thought having ants in the kitchen was bad. Yeesh!

It’s Rapture Day And Boy Am I Hyped; I Can’t Wait To Meet Christ!

Stained glass at St John the Baptist's Anglica...

Image via Wikipedia

The Rapture must be under way! We just left the grocery after picking up some last minute Rapture supplies, and the place was nearly empty! Apparently, there are some pretty righteous people in eastern Cincinnati.

I thought that I saw Jesus outside my window this morning, but it turned out to be my neighbor in his bathrobe. The dude really needs to figure out how to close his robe before he ventures outside.

If you haven’t ascended yet, what are your plans today? I plan on spending the day visiting with my partner’s grandmother, doing school work (just in case my professor is still here) and going to catch an arena football game tonight. Of course, this is all subject to change if anything of biblical proportions happens to occur.

I’ll leave with these words in case the Rapture shuts down the internet, and I don’t make it back to the blog: Live each day like it’s going to be your last. Hang out with your mind, have yourself a blast!

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Only One Shopping Day Left Until The Rapture!

What are you doing for the Rapture tomorrow? Do you have your Rapture Kit ready? How about a Rapture buddy? I hope you have your Rapture snacks planned out and prepared; it’s going to be a busy day! Don’t forget: I’ll be tweeting regularly tomorrow as people ascend and events unfold. Who knows, maybe I’ll even get an exclusive interview with Jesus himself! He is supposed to make an appearance at this big shindig!

Only Two Shopping Days Left Until The Rapture!

The beginning of the end is getting closer, so don’t forget to buy your Repent! The End is Nigh! T-shirt or sweatshirt from Revelations! Christian Book Stores (TM). Just like space in Heaven, supplies are limited, so hurry!

What Do You Need For The Rapture? The Official Rapture Kit!

gates of heaven

Image by _boris via Flickr

Going to Heaven during the rapture is more than just showing up at the pearly gates an proclaiming “I’m Here!” You’re going to need supplies: Luckily, you can find a Rapture kit at your local Revelations! Christian Book Store (TM). The kit is only $666.66, and contains the following:

1) A Bible- It’s a long trip to Heaven, and you’ll need something to read.

2) Protein Bars- It’s hard to beg for redemption on an empty stomach!

3) Holy Water- To wash down the protein bars.

4) Cash- During the Council of Constance, it was decided that the Gates of Heaven would become toll gates. There’s also a gift shop off to the side of the gates that is to die for!

5) Tattoo Removal Kit- To rid yourself of the mark of the beast, should you wake up with one this Saturday.

6) Double barrel shotgun and shells- To fight off those pesky zombies, freshly risen from their graves. Here’s a tip; aim for the head.

7) Sack cloth and ashes- To properly display your repentance.

8) An official heavenly passport approved by the church: Like Arizona, Heaven uses profiling.

9) A notarized document from Rick Santorum proving your heterosexuality.

10) Official John 3:14 sunglasses- Heaven has really harsh lighting!

Be sure to head out to your local Revelations! Christian Book Store (TM) right away! Wednesday is Buy one, get one, and I’m sure supplies are limited.

You really need this Rapture kit; you don’t want to be caught with your 666 hanging out!

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Only Three More Shopping Days Left Until The Rapture!

Don’t forget to book your reservations in heaven. You wouldn’t want to feel left out would you?