Home > Life Style > The Laughable Look of The American Wankster.

The Laughable Look of The American Wankster.

I get that everyone in the world loves and emulates American pop culture. It’s been going on ever since the American cowboy was a real thing. It’s possibly been going on longer than that. What I don’t get is the suburban emulation of the gang banger. You see them everywhere: Teens and young adults dressed in clothes that are two sizes too big, wearing hats with ridiculous flat brims and at crazy angles. They often adorn such wanna be fashion with Mr T starter sets around their necks, wrists, and fingers. You see them at malls, grocery stores, movie theaters, fast food restaurants and convenience stores. Furthermore, it’s not enough to dress like a gang banger: Most of these wanksters have to walk, talk, and act like they are truly inner city thugs, doing whatever needs to be done to survive. In reality, these people are suburban, somewhat affluent, and live in a world that is 100 times further away from inner city life than the world they actually live in.

They think they look like this:

Ok, that look is kind of bad ass.

Ok, that look is kind of bad ass.

When they really look like this:

Homodorkicus

I think I used to work with this guy at the Kwicky Mart.

I get that the gang banger has been part of our pop culture scene for nearly thirty years now. Movies like Colors and New Jack City have popularized the gang banger, while rappers have been extremely successful in perpetuating the stereotype. I get it, however, I think it’s stupid. It’s stupid and dangerous. The look glorifies gang violence. It glorifies drug abuse. It glorifies mistreatment of women. It is simply a bad lifestyle to emulate, and most of these pretenders look like idiots instead of thugs. To me looking at a wankster is as unbearable as seeing my grandmother dressed as a stripper. Seriously dude, you don’t look like a tough guy, you look like a moron.

In honor of the gangster wanna be, or wankster as I like to call you, I want to dedicate a couple of songs to you. I hope you find them as ludicrous as I find you. You may think you’re 2Chainz, but really you’re just 2Goofy.

Now get out of my grill before I pull your card. Word.

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Categories: Life Style Tags: ,
  1. Sedate Me
    August 9, 2015 at 8:22 pm

    Hey, I used to love me some NWA back in the day! But now there’s all these jive ass crackas from surburbia whose greatest goal in life is to be black…probly so’s they can get shot by pigs on the way home from da licka sto’.

    I could go on, but I’m using this as the perfect excuse to pimp my favourite Canuckistan TV show, The Trailer Park Boys. If you’re talking about white-rapper wanna-bes….J-Roc is your man!!! Played by Jonathan Torrens, J-Roc is a human highlight reel. Like the rest of the show, 3/4 of his shit is improv and the best stuff can’t be aired because all the actors keep crackin up like Harvey Corman on The Carol Burnett Show.

    J-Roc is involved in ever petty crime known to man. He deals drugs, makes low budget porn, steals groceries and still lives in his mom’s trailer.

    (And yes, that’s “little Juno”, Ellen Paige, in one of her first roles.)

    J-Roc is so dedicated to becoming a gangsta rap star, he went & got himself arrested to boost his street cred.

    J Roc is the dopest ma’fucka in the Sunnyvale Trailer Park…Gnome sayin’?

    Like

    • August 10, 2015 at 12:50 pm

      Too funny! I guess I find the whole wankster image laughable is because I grew up in some pretty rough neighborhoods. The kind of neighborhood where gun shots every night were as common as the sun going down, and the moon coming up. These kids have no idea how tough life in impoverished areas really is. If one of these pretenders were to come in my neighborhood back then, all wankstered up and talking tough, they would have been taught a lesson or two in very rough fashion.

      Like

      • Sedate Me
        August 12, 2015 at 5:43 pm

        Oh, there are TONNES of wankstas in my neck of the woods. I live in probably the most cracker-assed Canuckistan city outside of Alberta (aka Texas North). Yet more than half the young “men” wear their pants around their knees & buy whatever overpriced shit the “gangsta-flavour-of-the-week” wears. They act like they have 25% of the IQ points they actually do have (which ain’t much) They walk down the streets rapping to what’s playing on their iDiot Pods. And they do it so badly, if the actual rapper saw them, he’d put a cap in their ass. It’s beyond pathetic. But it’s so ingrained now, this idiocy has become the new “normal”. There must be a couple hundred of these buffoons living on my street.

        Mocking this trend of “aspiring to be a lowlife” is the inspiration for The Trailer Park Boys. I’m not sure if I’ve pimped the show here before, but they turned a ZERO budget TV show (only 2 cast members had ever acted before) and turned it into a national cult. They even tour with a stage show (I’ve been to one) where everyone in the audience is drunk and/or high on drugs….which is honestly the best way to watch the show.

        Jonathan Torrens (aka J-Roc) is a fucking improv Superman. He’s Clark Kent in real life, but put some “dope gear” on him and he becomes the unstoppable J-Roc. He’s only a secondary character in the show, yet you could compile hours of highlight reels of him. For example, the video in the previous comment only represents 2 episodes of his work.

        Another example…This is the stuff he recorded for the very first episodes that didn’t even make the final cut!

        And it would be 10X funnier if you understood the classic Canadian TV references. I got time today, so here goes. (hopefully none of the below videos embed.)

        A) “Louis Del Grande from Seeing Things “- A bizarre show about an ace reporter whose life falls into the shitter when he starts getting psychic visions that make no sense.

        B) “Relic from The Beachcombers”. – Yes, the longest running Canadian TV show was about guys who chase driftwood lost by lumberjacks! Relic was a scruffy, non-showering, toque-wearing, schemer with a wooden jet-boat that never worked.

        Apparently, some/all seasons of Trailer Park Boys are now on Nutflix, so you Americans looking for an excuse to use Nutflix, can finally see the finest example of Canadian culture there is. I HIGH-ly recommend it. Gnome sayin’?

        Like

        • Sedate Me
          August 12, 2015 at 5:45 pm

          Yeah, not only did the video embed, I posted the same one twice….Jesus!

          Like

          • August 14, 2015 at 10:56 am

            This is all good stuff, but where is Alan Thicke? I thought he was in every Canadian show ever made. 😉

            Like

            • Sedate Me
              August 14, 2015 at 4:28 pm

              Alan Thicke hails from a frozen wasteland that makes the rest of Canuckistan look warm & hospitable. He got the fuck out of there as soon as he could and went as far south as possible. He got rich writing the biggest theme songs of the 70’s (Diff’rent Strokes, The Facts of Life, The Joker’s Wild & the closing theme for Wheel of Fortune)

              He’s done many guest spots on shows shot in Canada but made for US TV He did a great Outer Limits episode and numerous movies/TV movies (ie Perry Mason). However, to my knowledge, he’s been a regular in only two Canadian TV shows intended for a Canadian audience.

              The first was a daytime talk show out of Vancouver, The Alan Thicke Show. It was originally The Alan Summers Show and was hosted by 70’s super-agent Alan Summers (aka Mr Suzanne Summers). As an agent, he made calls Hollywood actors couldn’t refuse. So he’d have a couple of Canadian guests on then finish with some Hollywood TV star. It was good for classic, cheesy, 70’s TV. Thicke was good enough to be hired to host one in the US.(Thicke of The Night)

              Brace yourself!

              More recently, he did what I consider the BEST performance of his entire career. The show was Jpod. Nervous (& stupid) CBC execs cancelled it during it’s first season. This is NEVER done in Canadian TV, no matter how bad the ratings. They just don’t have money to make shows & not air them. It also ensured CBC TV would never be culturally relevant again.

              Jpod was a show about Vancouver computer game programmers who cranked out mindless, ultra-violent, piece-of-shit games for mega-corporations. Thicke played one of their fathers. But don’t confuse this with Growing Pains. Thicke played the anti-Mr Seaver.

              He was a washed up, ego-maniacal, actor desperate to regain his past glory.
              His super-MILF wife was a modern June Cleaver…who had a large grow-op in the family’s basement. Great show.

              Have a taste.

              Like

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