Home > Religion > What Do You Need For The Rapture? The Official Rapture Kit!

What Do You Need For The Rapture? The Official Rapture Kit!

gates of heaven

Image by _boris via Flickr

Going to Heaven during the rapture is more than just showing up at the pearly gates an proclaiming “I’m Here!” You’re going to need supplies: Luckily, you can find a Rapture kit at your local Revelations! Christian Book Store (TM). The kit is only $666.66, and contains the following:

1) A Bible- It’s a long trip to Heaven, and you’ll need something to read.

2) Protein Bars- It’s hard to beg for redemption on an empty stomach!

3) Holy Water- To wash down the protein bars.

4) Cash- During the Council of Constance, it was decided that the Gates of Heaven would become toll gates. There’s also a gift shop off to the side of the gates that is to die for!

5) Tattoo Removal Kit- To rid yourself of the mark of the beast, should you wake up with one this Saturday.

6) Double barrel shotgun and shells- To fight off those pesky zombies, freshly risen from their graves. Here’s a tip; aim for the head.

7) Sack cloth and ashes- To properly display your repentance.

8) An official heavenly passport approved by the church: Like Arizona, Heaven uses profiling.

9) A notarized document from Rick Santorum proving your heterosexuality.

10) Official John 3:14 sunglasses- Heaven has really harsh lighting!

Be sure to head out to your local Revelations! Christian Book Store (TM) right away! Wednesday is Buy one, get one, and I’m sure supplies are limited.

You really need this Rapture kit; you don’t want to be caught with your 666 hanging out!

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

  1. May 18, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    Me? I’ll be hiring an attorney who specializing in Quit Claims. Hell, in Alabama (with all these sanctimonious mother fuckers caught up in the Great Snatch…as my mom dubs it), I’ll be a damn real estate baron. Go me. 😀


  2. May 18, 2011 at 3:31 pm



  3. May 18, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    Just one word….Awesomeness. 🙂


  4. May 19, 2011 at 5:50 am

    The way I figure it, the magic number for the Reds to win the division is 3!

    By the way, http://rapture-survival-kit.com/the_rapture_survival_kit


  5. May 19, 2011 at 5:51 am

    PS: Melissa – Baroness of Real Estate. Brilliant! … and I assume you take after your mom.


  1. May 18, 2011 at 5:29 pm
  2. November 1, 2013 at 9:24 pm

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