Home > I Don't Even Know What This Crazy Shit Falls Under! > Snickers bars: Nutritional Conspiracy or Oral Gratification?

Snickers bars: Nutritional Conspiracy or Oral Gratification?

For a while now, Snickers has been promoting themselves as some type of healthy energy bar. In fact,they even sell their own version of an energy bar, “Marathon.” I find this disturbing. I have busted my ass to lose over 100 pounds in the last 5 years, and when I see a candy bar promoted as an energy bar, it pisses me off. It’s junk food, not a source of nourishment for christ sake.

What I think is going on here, is that the Republicans are involved in this promotion. Think about it: Americans start eating more Snickers bars thinking that they are consuming something nutritious. Our collective heaviness soars to new levels, resulting in even more obesity related health issues. The health care industry is overwhelmed treating everyone, which will inflict a great deal of financial stress on the government, if this watered down version of a health care reform bill ever manages to pass. At this point, all the health care reform opponents can point, laugh, and say “see, I told you Obama care wouldn’t work!” Stop giggling, it could happen.

I would love nothing more than to rely on Snickers bars for my dietary needs, but I don’t care to go back to having an ass the size of a Volkswagen. I’ll just have to settle for fantasizing about devouring these yummy treats. In fact I’m thinking about it right now: In my mind, I am eagerly holding it in my hands; gently peeling back the wrapper to expose the luscious pleasure that waits for me inside. It’s so long and thick! Why did I opt for king size? How can I take all of this without making my jaws ache? And yet the bar slides easily between my lips, filling my mouth with hard chocolate. I lightly roll my tongue around its tip, then up and down underneath the long brown bar, my taste buds exploding with sweet ecstasy. Suddenly, I break through the shell, exposing the creamy caramel that tantalizingly awaits for me to draw it inside my now impatient orifice. I plunge my tongue deep into the center, greedily lapping up the warm sweet nougat that is slowly oozing now from within.

Oops, sorry about that. I got lost for a minute. What was I talking about? I’ll talk to you later, I’m going to buy a bag of Snickers bars and have some fun with Mrs. TFH.

C’mon,you know you’re dying to consume its very essence.

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